Wanting

I can't explain it.

The frustration, the reason why I'm upset.

Well, that's not true. I know why I'm upset. I just don't know why I'm as frustrated as I am.

I shouldn't be.

I shouldn't feel this inner turmoil.

I shouldn't have to question who I am.

I shouldn't have to doubt, to experience the wonder, the frustration, the strange desire of wanting and not even being sure if what I want is either obtainable, or good for me.

So, why the frustration? Why the pain?

Why does any of this matter?

I don't know.

I just know it's tearing me up inside tonight and I want to scream. Is that bad?

Screaming won't help. Worrying won't help. Wanting won't help.

This thing I desire, this hope, this dream, this thing that has me wanting; why won't it leave me alone?

Because it is something good. It is something great! It is something that has continually remained just out of my reach…just beyond the straining grasp of my fingers…just beyond my ability to find and obtain it.

What am I left with?

I'm left wanting? Is it so bad? No. But only because what I want is a good thing. I don't like the pain, the angst, the frustration.  In fact I don't like the wanting, because it simply means I'm missing out on something good.

I want the day when I'm no longer left wanting.