After...

After years of indecision…

I decide.

After years of waiting…

I act.

After years of frustration…

I progress.

After weeks of despair…

I hope.

After days of anticipation…

I anticipate more.

After hours of laziness…

I am motivated.

After deciding…

comes indecision.

After acting…

comes waiting.

After progressing…

comes patience.

After hope…

comes despair.

After anticipation…

comes more.

After motivation…

comes frustration

After everything…

there is still just life.

Guessing

Doubt and indecision cloud my mind,

Make me question, search to find.

Answers fleeting, surety unsure

Emotions bleeding, vivid, pure.

Endless fear reach down inside,

Pull me down, seeks to bind.

Keeps me questioning myself,

Keeps me doubting.

Yet keeps me sure

Always endlessly

Guessing...

Moments Passing

Time is passing ever passing

Daily boredom passing by

Hours, minutes, time amassing

Day by day it passes by

Thoughts of grandeur, future planning

Hoping for a better life

Always thinking, always dreaming

Finding strength to change my life

burning rainbows

searching...
seeking...
ever watching
looking for the
pathway through

the jungle madness
mountain passes
gorges, falls and
endless masses
searching...
seeking...
winding...
weeping.
hoping soon I'll
find my way

toward the future
toward the answers
toward the prizes
of the age
time is passing
burning slowly
fuse of life
burns away

ever searching...
ever seeking...
burning rainbows
day by day

Walk the Line

Thinking back to days gone by, in memories reposed.

I wonder how I got this way, to live the life I know.

What shaped me into what I am, complete with faults divine?

How did I become a man, who tries to walk the line?

Experience has made me wise, enough to know I’m not,

And helped me see beyond myself, to live as I was taught.

The challenges I face each day, they make me wonder why?

Why is it that good things fade, and why do good men die?

The lens by which we see the world improves throughout our life.

It changes as we question why and darkens with our strife.

It lightens when we open up, our minds to new ideas.

And widens with a new refuge, when we refuse to hide.

A part of me it dies each time, I open up my heart,

But through that death is bred new life, and knowledge to impart.

In life I find that what I want is not what I’ve received,

And through experience I’m taught to trust and just believe.

More frequently it’s what I’ve got that teaches what I want.

And helps me reach a place beyond the target I once sought.

But through my life, with all its woes, and happiness divine,

I’ve come to learn just who I am, and how to walk the line.

what is the point?

what is the point…

when you serve others and give of yourself only to be unappreciated?

what is the point…

when you study for days to pass your mid-term and still get a C on your test?

what is the point…

when you ask the girl of your dreams out week after week and she still says no?

what is the point…

when life can’t get any more difficult and then your car breaks down?

what is the point…

when you are just beginning to love your job and find yourself unemployed?

what is the point…

when you open your heart to a friend only to be stabbed in the back?

what is the point…

when your fiancé tells you she loves you but fails to show on your wedding day?

what is the point…

when the trials you encounter seem more difficult than you can handle?

what is the point…

when you feel forgotten by friends, family and God and don’t know how to keep going?

what is the point…

when you have everything going for you one week only to have your dreams shattered the next?

what is the point…

when life always seems to remind you of the cruelty of human nature?

what is the point…?

what is the point…

when a friend calls just to see how you are doing and tell you they care?

what is the point…

when no one wishes you a happy birthday all day only to find everybody at your surprise party that night?

what is the point…

when a plate of cookies appears just because?

what is the point…

of having friends who care and give life meaning?

what is the point…

of focusing on the negative when there is so much good to be noticed?

what is the point…

of enjoying every minute of life because it is another minute you have to live?

what is the point…

of life?

what is the point…

to live, to die, to love, to be loved, to learn, to teach, to influence others, to be influenced, to understand, to be understood, to remember, to be remembered…

what is the point…?

living life is the point…

Coming Up Empty

Questioning life for all its worth...

...and coming up empty

Looking for hope and the futures birth...

...and coming up empty

Searching for meaning amidst the strife

Searching for truth in a world of pain

Searching for peace instead of war

Searching for love despite the game

Questioning only results in more

Conflicting concepts confuse and pollute

Truth elusively slips through my grasp

Answers are fleeting and thoughts rendered mute

I try, but I'm

   coming up empty

I'm searching, but

   coming up empty

I want answers, but I'm

   coming up empty

I just keep coming up empty

A Thought

A thought is a terrible thing to waste,

A thought is a fragment of time and space.

A thought causes us to reason why,

A thought will often cause me to cry.

A thought is a place to search for peace,

A thought contains feelings of love and ease.

A thought is the only secure abode.

A thought is my private place to go.

Reconciliation

Pain. Anguish. Frustration.

with life.

with my Life.

but why?

are emotions ever easy to explain?

Joy. Love. Content.

with life.

with My life.

why?

because I have so much.

Why the contrast?

Why the opposition?

Where is consistency?

Where is symmetry?

How do I reconcile the disparity of my emotions?

I don’t.

I just accept that they exist.

Independent from each other,

but united in me.

Reconciliation of differences only expounds them.

Each attempt in the past has failed,

So I move on.

I accept them.

I live with them.

I even love them.

Pain. Anguish. Frustration.

Joy. Love. Content.

Peace and Happiness

Sorrow and Fear.

All let me know: I’m alive!

What is Love?

Love is maintaining your devotion, throughout all the trials.

Love is showing appreciation for all that others do.

Love is living as an example for those who look up to you.

Love is knowing that what you do affects people for generations.

Love is caring for all you meet, the good and the bad.

Love is hoping that good will come into our lives.

Love is looking at things from a positive perspective.

Love is honoring what is true and right, regardless of its source.

Love is an undying desire to see souls come unto Christ.

Love is helping those in need even when you are the one in need.

Love is never giving up hope when the odds are overwhelmingly against you.

Love is having concern for others when they could care less about you.

Love is loving those who are not lovable.

Love is charitable acts of kindness given fully and freely.

Love is praying for an increase of it daily.

Love is unconditional.

Love is opening your heart to others, without fear that it will be broken.

Love is sharing our most precious thoughts and feelings.

Love is selfless acts of service.

Love is judging others only after you have seen the world through their eyes.

Love is most frequently gained by expressing it to others.

Wanting

I can't explain it.

The frustration, the reason why I'm upset.

Well, that's not true. I know why I'm upset. I just don't know why I'm as frustrated as I am.

I shouldn't be.

I shouldn't feel this inner turmoil.

I shouldn't have to question who I am.

I shouldn't have to doubt, to experience the wonder, the frustration, the strange desire of wanting and not even being sure if what I want is either obtainable, or good for me.

So, why the frustration? Why the pain?

Why does any of this matter?

I don't know.

I just know it's tearing me up inside tonight and I want to scream. Is that bad?

Screaming won't help. Worrying won't help. Wanting won't help.

This thing I desire, this hope, this dream, this thing that has me wanting; why won't it leave me alone?

Because it is something good. It is something great! It is something that has continually remained just out of my reach…just beyond the straining grasp of my fingers…just beyond my ability to find and obtain it.

What am I left with?

I'm left wanting? Is it so bad? No. But only because what I want is a good thing. I don't like the pain, the angst, the frustration.  In fact I don't like the wanting, because it simply means I'm missing out on something good.

I want the day when I'm no longer left wanting.

my voice

fighting, crying, screaming

though nothing comes out

the words, the sounds, they’re there

caught in my throat

wanting to be heard

scared, nervous, afraid

like a young child

but, I am not a child

pain, anguish, frustration

at life

with life

because of life

doubt, questioning, fear

of the unknown

of the future

of the past

of decisions made

of choices yet to come

though time heals all wounds

I need more than time

strength, hope, desire

fighting, crying screaming

the pain comes out

the words, the sounds, they’re there

frustration fades

as my voice is heard

once more...

From the ashes of the fight

'Long the sparrows earthly flight

Comes the passions of the night

Once more.

Live a life of questions asked

Emblems of a hope ammased

Staring at the chasam vast

Once more.

Angels, deamons, devils few

Light the candles, quell the view

List the names, not one but two

Once more.

History lives amidst the past

Present but a moment lasts

Futures built around the caste

Once more.

Speaking hoarsely, devil's tounge

Whispers lightly, song is sung

Deep and dark, ensnare the young

Once more.

Searching, hoping, seeking peace

Wanting but the pain to cease

Only asking for release.

Once more.

Ev'ry minute, ev'ry hour

Loosing grasp to my own power

Seeking paradises flower

Once more.

Eight by Eight

I

The King and Queen do beset the game;

While armies of pawns guard the domain.

The Castle, the keep, his powers untold;

He guards and protects, with merciless cold.

Bishops their church, sanctuaries to reign,

Religiously bless death's heroes, their fame.

Knights who move freely above and beyond,

Atop horses a-plenty slaying the pawn.

II

Large valleys of fields, farms, and shires;

Provide for the battlefields endless desires.

Lands pool with blood as each man is slain,

Though slaughter ensues, thrones are retained.

The Queen rests beside the kingdom on high,

With capture, with plunder, their kingdom shall die.

For the pawn army surges in hopes of reprise,

The queen holds the key to the power on high.

III

One King takes a chance in hopes of advance

Draws sinless romance, in this deathly dance.

Few battles ensue, where kingdoms remain;

For falls with last knight, the king, the domain.

Old Age

The wrinkles there begat old age;

The crippled hands speak of younger days.

The worn our feet, life’s paths they’ve tread;

The head held high, from a good life led.

The crackling voice, a comforting talk;

The loving heart, it does not lock.

The soft set eyes are quick to tears.

The quick, bright mind filled from the years.

The wisdom there gives peace of mind.

The endless deeds are always kind.

The body’s old, the spirit young.

The battles fought, the wars are won.

The face I see will only smile.

Despite old age, that timeless trial.